Every morning like – I think, half of London population, I take the Northern Line. It’s 8.22am and here is what it looks like:

Of course I’m exaggerating – say people who know me. Hmm, let me think… No I’m not!! Yesterday morning I spent 15min squeezed between a greasy-haired girl and a suit half my size who had his nose in my boobs. Sometimes it’s my nose which gets stuck under somebody’s armpit. And I’m not talking about having strangers’ leg pressed between your owns.

But I’m not criticizing, who said Londoners were cold and distant?!? Certainly not me. On the contrary I don’t know any other citizens who will tolerate this – well a part perhaps the Japanese of the video, and maybe the New-Yorkers? Ok, I don’t know to be honest, let’s say I was speaking for “civilised” country like France, Sweden, Switzerland (do they have the underground there?), Germany, even Spain! (I’ve never been pushed even once when I was studying over there).*

It isn’t my topic.

My topic is: what a marvellous intimate moment we, the people, are sharing every morning. This morning I was lucky enough to secure a seat quite soon in my journey, unfortunately some girl gave me the impression she was about to collapse on my laps at every change of speed. I could have stood up I hear you saying… Well, no! It’s my seat, I’ve pushed, bitten, scratched to get it and won’t let some remote person take it.

Oh, there’s one exception then: the pregnancy rule. You know it, everybody does. I’m not considering the elder rule because I actually never know if the person I am intending to give my seat to is “old” enough to deserve it: when I was 10, a 30 year old woman was “old” for me, now I’d say 50 is quite old but at the same time my Mum is 51 and I would never call Her old, I mean, she is not, period. So it’s quite tricky as you can see.
But the pregnancy rule… aaaahhh even trickier..! Here is an advice, if the woman doesn’t look OBVIOUSLY pregnant don’ give your seat up. Trust me you wouldn’t want to offer by mistake your seat to an overweight woman.
Imagine how embarrassing that could be!!! In presence of doubt don’t move.

Once I had a very embarrassing moment, there was this woman, young, with her boyfriend/partner/husband standing in front of me. I was sitting. I kinda notice a slight bulge on her stomach, but she was quite skinny at the same time and it could have been just a bit of a belly, and maybe it was I never really knew. Her partner was standing besides her. At some point I noticed the guy had crutches – you cannot actually mistake crutches with anything else! So I gave him my seat – which he declined. That’s when it happens, the moment I sat back down, I caught the look the woman gave to the guy. I suddenly understood she was actually pregnant and although she didn’t complain or said anything it became quite clear that she should have been the one I had offered my seat to. Great moment of loneliness, it’s quite hard to try to disappear in this case.

Since then I just copy my fellow traveller and ignore everything happening around me.

There are some quite priceless tips I’m giving to you there. Enjoy your trip!!!

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*This is meant to be a JOKE, for those who would question my humour. Of course you might think it’s NOT funny but take it as coming from a frog-eater. (delicious things by the way, frogs I mean!!)